She's coming to Sofia.

To the Ladies of DABA: Can I interest you in some Foreign Service flava?

Mm, mm, mm! Diplomacy never looked so good. To the DABA (Dating A Banker Anonymous) bloggers, if you ever find that bankers aren't doing it for you anymore...Well, we gots plenty o single diplomats who wouldn't mind putting a ring on it, foreign service style. Yoo hoo, gov-ern-ment pen-sions! Are you doing a little boogie dance for the unbelievable stability that comes from being a government employee's wife? There'll be no need for that Bergdorf expense account anymore. These hiplomats are offering you a chance to travel the world and buy ethnic stuff for cheap. "Oh, this scarf? I bought it from a local tribal woman, who had just finished roofing her house with dung!" And for all those awkward moments when you blurt out "Eff you" to a bunch of drunk Chinese people not expecting them to understand you, but funny enough, they very much understand the eff word and get up out of their chairs to start brawling? Thank you, diplomatic immunity. 

Chances are he'll be a nice guy who won't leave you, though it's a crap shoot if you're posted in Asia, South America or Eastern Europe. He'll be well-read, speak several foreign languages, and play Axis and Allies until the next Economist appears. Money's cool and everything, but super-informed conversations about the intricacies of the Conventional Forces Europe Treaty are forever. Are you ready for flag day, ladies?

It's all your fault, Dexter...Or is it yours, Marissa?

Actually, it's all your fault, since it was your suggestion to watch Dexter. I haven't really been able to do anything else except watch the show (and, um, also watch the OC) for the last week. We're only on season two, so don't tell me what happens, but I'm hoping they kill off this one annoying British artist character (aka, "gross titty vampire"), who while very beautiful, has the most. annoying. accent. ever.

When I'm not enjoying Dexter, Sarah and and I are howling with laughter and throwing things at Marissa Cooper's image on the OC, which is a million seasons long (that is, only one figurative winter in Bulgaria). I'm not sure if I convinced Sarah or if she convinced herself to buy the entire series which is about 28 discs that come in a six pound book with a hologram picture of pool water on the cover, but it is so worth it to be annoyed by Marissa every time like it's the first time again. She had me at "Hey." I think we've clocked seventeen hours of episodes, but the series must've been shot in real time because we're still not finished with season one. What good has come of this marathon of quality drama? Well, yours truly can now read anything -- including Obama's inauguration speech -- in Marissa Cooper's voice. I wonder when the Hubs will finally push me out the window. If he does, I will at least have learned the following lessons from the OC:

• The Jews are the funny ones. And I'm only saying this because the Jewish characters (Sandy and Seth COHEN, in case you missed it) keep saying stuff like "We're Jews! We're the funny ones!"
• Marissa and Ryan are that boring attractive fighting couple that you only tolerate because they up your market value.
• Marissa's Keds only make her man feet look bigger.
• Ryan needs to put down the dumbbells. And stop with the tank tops.
• They must've switched stylists in the middle of season one, because the women's bangs are starting to explode off their orange foreheads.
• In the OC, children can travel wherever they want, whenever they want, including to other countries.
• Chino is a very very bad place that should be feared and mocked for its patchy grass and cinderblock fences.
• The one Asian American character, Dr. Kim, is the high school dean and never follows through on expelling Ryan. She keeps mentioning his really high test scores, and her constant consideration of this outweighs any sort of offence Ryan might have committed, including breaking into the school and stealing confidential files. All this just proves that Dr. Kim really is Asian. His SAT scores really are that remarkable.

With the gas crisis over and the toilet drama having abated, these are the tools with which I plan to build my new life.

Madame Secretary: Hurry up and get your shopska on in the BLG, Hill!

New boss lady in town, woot woot!

Oh, we're just getting warmed up here...

Literally. Russia turned the gas back on. As a friend of mine likes to say, "Thanks bunch." Thanks for the sucky memories, Poots, which I'll be ranting about from now on at every future gathering and even alone in the shower just to practice what I'm going to say at the next gathering. People in the States better watch out. I promise you this girl has changed.  Still small. Still Asian. Yet, somehow MORE bitter than when there was no gas. Unclench this fist, Obama!

Sorry, I blacked out for a second there. Where was I? Oh! Yes, the Hubs was flexing for a brand new day, except he was accused by "Z in DC" of attempting the electric slide. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say, "Wha?" It's pretty clear to me that the Hubs is about to throw a discus with the wrong arm. The above and below photos were captured without his knowledge (I set up a hidden camera, timer, and returned after 22 hours). These I like to dub "Hubs moves" which he displays while in his mental dojo...Where there is no mercy.

Want some, Z? Get him a body bag! Yeeeaaaah!

The Hubs flexes for a brand new day.

Happy Inauguration Day, everyone!

I give up. Here's the Koons exhibit at Versailles.

For crying out loud, we have riots now. What we need is some f**ing perspective, people. I thought the below sculpture was especially meaningful, given the recent lack of classy art, gas, and general world peace:

Behold, the world's largest porcelain statue (Bubbles and Michael):

An inflatable lobster (here's a picture of the artist hugging it):

Balloon in the Hall of Mirrors (polished stainless steel):

Vacuum cleaner installation in front of a Marie Antoinette portrait.

I don't know...maybe if they were in the shape of Bulgaria:

Giant stainless steel heart:

There was also the stainless steel inflatable bunny, the Anna Nicole and Pink Panther embrace, and lots of other kitschy sculptures that just didn't say world peace like the Bear and Policeman. 

LIES! No Bulgarian could possibly be that fecally pubertal.

In case you haven't heard (or just didn't really care), Czech artist David Cerny made all 27 pieces of the "Entropa" exhibit that were supposed to have been done by 27 individual artists from all EU countries. He and two of his artist buddies ran off to their little Punky Brewster clubhouse and made up names and set up websites for the fake artists from each country. His response to being found out: "We knew the truth would come out...But before that, we wanted to find out if Europe is able to laugh at itself." Um, isn't that what Eurovision is for?

Oh, I get it. So Bulgarians are supposed to laugh at their country being portrayed as a network of Turkish toilets. And if they don't laugh, it means they're too provincial to get it. I suppose there's always the argument that it's just art. But, I don't understand how it was necessary first to deprive 26 other EU artists of the opportunity (and money and publicity) to contribute to a rare international collaboration, and then to hide behind fake artists simply to see if Europeans could laugh at themselves. I think he might be a douchebag, this guy. Perhaps his (actually funny) sculptures of little men hanging off buildings weren't garnering the amount of attention he wanted? (Photo from novinite.)

NOW you care?!

Hey, I'm just trying to live my life and blog about things that matter to me, like vacation and the occasional cat or bear. But ever since Russia turned off our gas, it's like I can't look left without reading a serious article about Bulgaria (that doesn't also have to do with corruption and the mob). Here's one about how Russia's little trick has made Bulgarians rethink their loyalties to the "great liberators" and more importantly, how the Sofia zookeepers are keeping the monkeys warm by serving them hot tea. Here's another one about the Czech Republic's new art installation "Entropa," which involves artists from 27 EU countries each creating a model of their country based on "playful analysis" about the country's culture and identity. Guess what the Bulgarian artist Elena Jelebova chose to represent her country? A Turkish toilet. Her explanation: 

For me, our project is an opportunity to cope with false patriotism and find relief from the destitution of Bulgarian material and spiritual life. Not least, it is sure to upset a lot of people, and that is also what I am aiming for -- to cause a scandal, especially at home. It's a punk gesture, intentionally primitive and vulgar, fecally pubertal.

Fecally pubertal. FECALLY. Wow, and Sweden sent an IKEA box. Denmark sent Legos. England sent nothing. Now she's going to have people coming after her in their mummer outfits because she wanted to get all "punk" on their asses. Earnest when everyone else was ironic. The Hubs reaction: "Maybe you don't get it! Maybe you aren't fecally pubertal!"

Ancient Fun: An accurate portrayal of life at women's college.

Remember, it starts with tickling, then pillow-fighting, then...a visit to the vending machine. Actually this is a more accurate portrayal of what we do at a women's college: 
That's right: we kick deer ass. Okay, fine. We dick around. So to speak. Anyhow I have a quiz for you involving the below tablet:
This Egyptian tablet contains:

a) a manual on how to grow grain

b) a restaurant menu

c) lyrics to "Like a Prayer" (the Horus mix) 

d) a depiction of the first (possibly last) Egyptian Hanukkah 

Bulgaria's rarely-seen skiing bears: Who can feel the energy crisis in those green velvet drop-crotch pants?

And a happy Midwife Day to you. Seriously, it's Midwife Day here, which this article calls "purely Bulgarian." If I knew any midwives, I'd give them mittens and scarves so they could bundle up when they hit the slopes or when they're simply trying to stay warm in their own homes. It was snowing so hard today, our workplace let us out early (like one whole hour)! I was tempted to run off to go skiing with these Bulgarian bears, pictured here at the new sports center in Chepelare (in the Rhodopes) with 1998 Olympic gold medalist biathlete Katya Dafovska, but then I remembered that I really just want to be warm.

You are just SO HILARIOUS, Russia. Will you be my boyfriend?

The good thing about having our gas shut off is that we didn't even have to wait a month before feeling the effects. It was all pretty immediate. Last night our rooms were cold. This morning our showers turned cold. We're wearing mittens and hats and dressing in a look that I like to call "layered hobo." Who says ex-commie states can't get stuff done? I was compelled to post the above photo since this is exactly what it feels like to visit Russia: cold and not funny.

I believe that Marie Antoinette also felt this way at some point, since there had to be cold rooms and wings at Versailles that were impossible to heat. In fact, I think I can see a resemblance:

The similarities become clearer when I put on my wig. Anyhow, this whole "no gas for us" thing is something new to complain about. It could be worse. I could be one of those Alaskan crab fishermen on the "Deadliest Catch." How do they restrain themselves from sneaking away and steaming some of those babies?

Breaking: Russia cut off our effing gas!

I know I usually report news that's been dead for centuries, but today is very special in that as mentioned above, Russia cut off gas supplies to Bulgaria, and this bit of news might be affecting us in Sofia very soon. As my Bulgarian colleague said upon hearing the news: "This is very bad. But one has to keep certain things in mind when dealing with the Russians."

Here are some exerpts from the full Reuter's article:

All supplies of Russian gas via Ukraine to Bulgaria, Turkey, Greece and Macedonia were halted on Tuesday due to a dispute between Moscow and Kiev over gas prices, officials in Sofia said.

"We are in a crisis situation," Bulgaria's economy ministry said in a statement...

Russia ordered on Monday a reduction in gas flow to Europe via Ukraine, a measure it said was to stop its neighbor from stealing fuel. Ukraine said the move would jeopardize supplies to Europe which is facing freezing temperatures.

The gas row has raised new questions about Russia's reliability as an energy supplier and rekindled Western suspicions -- still fresh after Russia's war with Georgia last year -- that the Kremlin bullies its pro-Western neighbors...

Sofia said the gas flow to Bulgaria as well as the transit to Turkey, Greece and Macedonia had been suspended as of 3.30 a.m....

Bulgaria, which relies almost entirely on Russian gas for its needs, will be worst hit because like Macedonia it has no access to alternative pipeline routes.

The Bulgarian economy ministry told industrial users to switch to alternative fuels such as oil and urged households to start using other means for heating rather than central heating that runs on gas.

Prime Minister Sergei Stanishev called an emergency meeting to discuss the situation.

Bulgaria, where temperatures dropped below minus 15 degrees overnight, started pumping a maximum 4.3 million cubic meters of gas from its sole gas storage facility, the ministry said.

The country currently consumes about 11 million cubic meters of gas a day. Dimitrov said underground reserves were enough to cover needs for a month, depending on consumption.

So...we'll see in a month?

Caption Me

Absolutely unique postcard shots from Paris

No matter how many times we visit Paris, the Tour Eiffel and Arc de Triomphe are still exciting to see. 
...as is the fountain at Versailles:
This time around we visited Marie Antoinette's hamlet, which features more gardens and cottages, and animals roaming its grounds:
...and Petit Trianon, which Louis XVI built for Antoinette and where she got her party on:
I know how she feels. The Hubs let me turn the extra bedroom into sort of a "creative director's office." But he won't let me put that on the door.

All these people want to wish you a happy 2009!

Okay, and maybe they also want to see her:

Happy New Year! I just want to thank all you readers out there who have stuck with my blog and who seem to like front-line reportage on museum exhibits. And cats. I couldn't ask for a better audience. I think it's safe to say that 2009 is going to be filled with pretty much the same thing, except I'm going to feature more quizzes, would-you-rathers, and if possible, even less educational matter.

Continuing on with the museum tour, it was the Hubs' first time to the Louvre so we hit all the famous pieces, like the "Mona Lisa" above, and the "Wings of Samothrace" below. And by the way, the island of Samothrace is close to Bulgaria (and they're sort of missing their wings).

More naked bods to come!