No Durian (and other signs)

They don't even let you bring it into a cab! It's *that* smelly. 

Hot girl bowling in an evening dress + hot girl singing karaoke (that's a microphone she's holding on the left) + metrosexual guy in a blazer = Bangkok's pleasure dome malls.

What's the proper use for "sanitary host spray?" Am I going to have to dig out that bottle of Jean Nate? 

"I must break you:" Dolph Lundgren was in Sofia.

Is it my fate to miss ALL the excitement when movie stars descend upon Sofia? Apparently Dolph was in town and much shorter than expected. Which means that Sly is REALLY short because as you can see from the above Rocky v. Drago match...Is there anyone else out there who saw Rocky IV before Rocky I? Because once you take out Dolph, Brigitte Nielsen, and the Cold War story line, it's a completely different movie.

Blogging to fight the jet lag...

Because that's always a good idea. We're back in Sofia, where it's 4 below and there's snow on the ground. I would've posted more from my vacation while I was still in Thailand, but as you can see above, all my visits to the food court began to take their toll. I found it difficult to press keys after a while and so just gave up. I began to take my food through a funnel so I could feed while also reclining. Check out my little thigh.

Phang-Nga: A day at the beach.

Morning in Phang Nga.

Morning, the Hubs with the muay Thai trainer.

Mid-morning at the pool with a plate of fruit.

Late afternoon with Tim and Melissa, who flew in from Phnom Penh to meet us, and the Hubs.
Feet at the beach around 4 o'clock.
Mid-morning, thinking of ways to stay in Phuket forever.

You could call it a comeback.

We just got back from the beach where we got to partake in some super-fun muay Thai lessons. Here I am, displaying bad form (my left fist is supposed to be in front of my right) on the beach. We're back in Bangkok now, hitting the food courts again. I'll be posting more photos from Phuket (Phang Nga, actually) and our trip to Ayuttahya (frolicking with baby elephants!). 

Another day, another food court challenge.

The Hubs pays to play at the food court at Maboonkrong Mall.

Koay teow pad kee mao (noodles fried with basil and peppers)

Beef ball noodle soup

The dish that kicked my ass. The server warned me that it was spicy before she ladled the bamboo and chicken fried with peppers on my plate, and I gave her a cocky, "Good." And then I sort of got scared and asked for some bitter cucumber soup on the side, which I naively thought would offset any burning. Um. HOLY. S@#%! I've never not finished a dish here, but...

I couldn't do it. It was too hot. I was sweating and trying to laugh it off, but finally I had to put down the fork in defeat. My parents took a break from their own dishes to glance at each other. Then they gave me a look, like, "Do NOT screw with the Thais when it comes to the spicy, fool." 

Cultural Stuff: Jim Thompson's house

The carp pond at JT's

We had to nix the floating market off our to-see list for a couple compelling reasons: my Thai parents and their Thai friends had never seen it (actually had no idea where it was) and my (Bangkok native) friend Steve said, "Um, it's kind of unsanitary. Honestly, don't go there." Wow, what are they doing in those klongs? 

Instead, we decided to go to the Jim Thompson house. Come on, I know you guys are totally into textiles! He's known for revitalizing the Thai silk industry just in time to provide costumes for the film "The King and I," and for having disappeared under mysterious circumstances (hello, former CIA operative?!). Lucky for us, we found out that his kick-ass teak house was conveniently located next to the mall where we had been eating again for the second day in a row. Check out all the teak (and Italian marble) splendor:

A close-up of the door carving:

Garden spirit house:

Birds of Paradise:

Futuristic night scenes from around the, um, malls.

Because, other than visiting the Jim Thompson house, we pretty much just ate and shopped at the same places as yesterday. But at least here you get a glimpse of the Bangkok traffic.
We walked through three giant malls without barely having to breathe unconditioned air.
Do I really need to bang a gong and review what red lanterns and dragon decorations mean?

Bangkok's Malls: I challenge you to find a better food court!

I've been away too long. The food courts have gotten bigger and more decadent and just...I want to die here. Okay, I'm throwing down the gauntlet to all those who've opened and closed a Shanghai Westin Champagne brunch: We've got to do a tour here! Just look at the mango sticky rice station:
...And the I-can-smell-ya-from-over-here durian stand:
I overheard my mom's friends talking about Thais actually dying from eating too much durian and then drinking beer. Apparently the amount of sulphur creates a bit of an explosion in your tummy. I don't know, guys. Whenever I think this is going to be the time I try durian again, the smell...

Food Court Classics

Thai iced tea

Som Tham

Bo Biah

Satay

Mango with black sticky rice

See you in Thailand! It's 80 degrees!

"The Little Novice," by Peter Arnold

So after 16 hours of flight, plus a 5 hour layover in Vienna (danka shein, bratwurst and weiner schnitzel, for helping us enjoy a layover!), we finally arrived in the BKK. My parents immediately took us to eat, which is why I don't have any photos to show — my camera was buried deep inside our luggage, and when faced with choice of digging for photographic equipment or digging for shrimps, shrimps will prevail every time. After dinner, my father quietly handed me a bag full of mangosteens and promptly left us at the hotel with that quiet understanding between sensei and pupil that says "Now, you must chow." I tackled the mangosteens, but have you ever had that experience where you're eating fruit, and you look down at your hand and it's covered in ants? It's like I'm in "Survivor."

Now we're doing the jet-lag thing, which is to say, I'm wide awake at 3 AM, asking the Hubs questions like, "Why do you think I haven't been bitten by mosquitos yet?" And listening to gripping headline news from Southeast Asia: "One village in the Philippines is not only growing pineapples — they're wearing them." Tomorrow: the malls!

Ever feel like this?

Did I tell you that I took so much vacation last year that I ended up owing my "organization" money? Well this (above) is what happens when I don't get enough vacation. The crazy comes. They should be paying me to vacate for crying out loud! Where's my wig?! Where's my fur?! I exaggerate, of course. But come on, everyone feels this rundown and crazy during the winter, right? Right?

So. You know what this calls for, friends. You guessed it! A little R & R, which I will tentatively title "The King and I Return to Thailand." The Hubs and I are headed to Bangkok this Sunday (airport permitting) to visit the most humid mothership in the world (the other one is Georgia). My father wrote to tell me that my favorite tropical fruit:

...the mangosteen is in season right now! Aren't they cute with their little green hats and round purple bodies? And just look what they did for Kate:

She is "NOW GLOWING." And she only had to eat and probably freebase them constantly for a month. I wonder if I could fit a months worth into two and a half weeks...

Tiny Frogs: Can't choose but one to follow you into the afterlife.

There are too many things I wanted to blog about today, but because I couldn't choose just one story, I psyched myself out and went for these tiny frogs from the Louvre. It's a lot like that time I demanded the Hubs to take me to a real deli, but because I wanted too many things, I ended up ordering a predictably crummy quesadilla while everyone else enjoyed their corned beef. Who does that? Mistakes will be made, folks.

For instance, do I blog about the canned meal named after Putin ("PuTin," a mixture of cabbage and mushrooms) and Putinka, a Russian vodka also named after Putin? 

Or do I go with a more spiritually bereft tale (somehow more spiritually bereft than the one of canned cabbage and mushrooms), and share with you the time I thought we saw the house of Virgin Mary at Ephesus, because there was a sign with an arrow that said "House of Virgin Mary," which led us down a path to a completely deserted bunch of crumbling ruins atop an overgrown and roped-off hill. We hiked around the ruins which actually seemed dangerous at points, but it didn't matter because this is supposedly where the Virgin Mary spent her last days. And yet, no other tourists were there. And that's because it was the wrong set of ruins, which I just found out a couple minutes ago when I googled "House of Virgin Mary," and I said aloud, "Hey, that wasn't what we saw." Here's a photo of the ruins that I thought were special:

So you see why I went with the tiny frogs. They are tiny, but they are strong, and they will last me until the next bloggable vacation.